Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
[x]

deviantART

:D:XD::rage::|
 


Lights out, but still do fingers play
staccato bursts on glowing keys.
A smile received from far away,
betwixt forbidden fantasies.

Staccato bursts on glowing keys
play softly, lest they give away,
betwixt forbidden fantasies
the need to leave, the urge to stay.

Play softly, lest we give away
to wakeful, prying, hungry eyes.
We need to leave and urge to stay
with breaking glass for lullabies.

Those wakeful, prying, hungry eyes
still prowl where joy is sometimes found.
With breaking glass for lullabies,
to sleeplessness lie herein bound.

Still, prowl where joy is sometimes found,
and surely they shall find us here.
To sleeplessness we lie here bound,
and while together, feel no fear.

And surely they shall find us here,
our smiles received from far away.
And while together, feel no fear.
Lights out, but still our fingers play.
©2008-2009 ~Smartster
:iconsmartster:

Author's Comments

Number 50 in the 100 Themes Challenge.
A pantoum by Veronica Mathy, also known as ~Smartster

Many thanks to ~maranga for helping me fix a spot of bad meter!

I might ruin the stupid thing by telling you what it's about, so...
SPOILER WARNING!

This is about sneaking online to talk past bedtime with the threat of Mom wandering around in her attempts to make sure everyone is sleeping; getting caught means losing the means of communicating.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconmistresswinter:
This is an amazing poem, for sure. The word choice and the repeating method used are very effective :) Well written, I praise you! :clap:

--
Oh my god. I have fucking Jaffa cakes in my coat pocket! Oh mamma! Oh daddy! Let's all play kabadi! :heart:
:iconsmartster:
Thank you very, very much! :D

--
:heart: ~13lade6rip & ~Smartster :heart:
Wanna say something nice about me? Go here.
Something not-so-nice? Try here.
:iconsquirrels-are-evil:
;p I can relate

but the poem itself came off as more of a lullabye than anything

--
One is never dissappointed when you're a nihilist
:iconneftoon-zamora:
Very melodic, love the flow and word choices, great job!

--
I know that never in the world
Could I have found me such a girl
Who's there to pick me up before I fall

~Mike Nesmith~
:iconallisonimacaroni:
I was going to guess text-messaging. My little sister gets in trouble for this all the time. Wonderful poem. Nice job.
:iconmaranga:
Excellent attempt!

True to the spirit if not the letter of the law, but I'm uncomfortable with the metre of line 3 and its fraternal twin in the final stanza.

Most of all, I love the mood of the whole piece. The tone is set by the form being appropriate to the subject matter, with the exchange of messages having its parallel in the repetition of the alternate lines. It's almost like actually being there!

:+fav: Well done!
:iconsmartster:
That is astounding; usually such sneaky late-night IMing leads to me passing out at the computer, so that is not far from the truth!

--
:heart: ~13lade6rip & ~Smartster :heart:
Wanna say something nice about me? Go here.
Something not-so-nice? Try here.
:iconsmartster:
Thank you! Feels really good to get back into writing; I have abandoned it for my newspaper far too long!

--
:heart: ~13lade6rip & ~Smartster :heart:
Wanna say something nice about me? Go here.
Something not-so-nice? Try here.
:iconsmartster:
It is always a joy to see someone reinterpret or relate to my work. :)

--
:heart: ~13lade6rip & ~Smartster :heart:
Wanna say something nice about me? Go here.
Something not-so-nice? Try here.

Details

February 24, 2008
1.1 KB

Statistics

14
9 [who?]
300 (0 today)
15 (0 today)

Site Map